type1tootsie

I am spent – thoroughly spent.  I got the result of my most recent Hemoglobin A1C today and am trying to figure out how to handle the “number”.

Since I’m new to the blog world I feel like I need to give a quick history so you’ll understand where I’ve come from.  Aside from my three pregnancies (which were amazingly healthy), I have struggled greatly with good control throughout my almost 21 years of diabetes life.   I must admit that, over the years, I have allowed everything else BUT diabetes to be important.  My A1C’s have mostly been in the 9 region.  Wow, I can’t believe I just admitted that.  I know it isn’t good.  I also know that I have been so blessed to have the continued good health that I do have.  The mental struggle of diabetes is a fierce one – I’ll post on that another time.  In my first post I said that I managed to take control about 6 months ago.  Great control!  My A1C on February 17^th was 9.1.  It was only two days before that I decided it was time to look at my life with a different perspective.  I knew the Feb 17^th A1C result would be high.  I took the result as a challenge – in my mind there was only one way to go from there…DOWN!  The perfectionist in me took over but this time it was different; I wasn’t going to get burned out.  I was going bring diabetes to the forefront of my everyday life and deal with it.  I am a diabetic, after all.  So, I set my sights on May 17th (the normal three-month span between lab work).  I worked hard to bring those numbers down.  It was difficult for a little while but I did it.  The averages on my glucometer showed that I was running about 140.  That was AWESOME!  I was stoked.  I knew I was going to hear “6.something”….or maybe even “5.something”.  If you’re a diabetic then you know exactly the sinking feeling I had when I heard 7.7.  WHAT?  WHAT???  My doctor told me that the older sugars (Dec and Jan) could have affected that result and not to worry.  I took a deep breath; thought about the consequences of my “care-less” days, and plowed forward to July 17^th (I talked my doctor into waiting only two more months instead of the normal three).

That leads me to today.  My glucometer will only give me a 30-day average.  I know that over the last two months I’ve not averaged over 140.  I have been so “on”. wOOt!  Remember, 140 is just an average…it doesn’t mean my sugars haven’t been over 140…I have had a few highs (expected and unexpected).  In light of that knowledge, I’ve been crazy excited about my appointment today; but I had to have the result BEFORE I went in (blame is on my “be prepared for anything” trait).   Picture me – calmly sitting in my office, happily on hold while the gal checked with the lab (I was giddy knowing that magic number was going to be one to shout from the mountain top) then I heard, “Mrs. Gilkeson your results are in and your A1C is 7.7.”  Do I have to say “WHAT” again?  (I kind of wanted to say a few other choice words) I was in such shock that I didn’t say “WHAT” or the choice word.  With great defeat I just said, “Thank you, have a great day – bye”.  I hung up the phone and fell apart.  Normally I “never let’em see me sweat (or cry)” but today I broke down.  What did I do wrong?  What am I missing? Is my glucometer lying?  I checked … the 30 day average as of today is 117 and that is based on an average of 8 checks per day.  What happened?

Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do wrong, what I’m not going to miss, what is going to happen.  I’m not going to let this get me down and give up like I used to do.  I’m not going to miss one sugar check or bolus.  My resolve and new found perspective is being tested.  This monster called diabetes has met its match – when I put my mind to it, I’m a force to be reckoned with.  I will happen…me….Christin will happen in a big, bad way.  I will continue to be vigilant and look forward to October 17^th….the next time I have to face that “number”….and yes, after writing I feel much better and know that it is just a number.